Toxic community.
After writing my outline for this article, I happened to turn on Hamilton’s “You’ll Be Back” (performed by King George III) sitting in the car line so I could surprise my first grader with her favorite song from the musical. While sillily singing along, it hit me, this song has all the elements of a toxic community that I had just outlined: gaslighting, misuse of power, and possessiveness.
Gaslighting is when someone tries to sell you a different narrative of an event you both experienced. At the end of the first chorus King George III sings, “And when push comes to shove, I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love.” He does this to the background of upbeat show tune music, which feels hilariously incongruent paired with the lyrics. With gaslighting, the words just don’t seem to line up with the “music” and you will often wonder, “am I crazy for not seeing it that way?”
Misuse of power is a broad umbrella for a lot of toxic behaviors. This could look like various forms of manipulation where someone leverages knowledge about you to control your behavior, without directly asking you for what they want. Some people are skilled emotional manipulators, knowing exactly which heart strings to pull to get you to comply. Others are more overt, using blackmail or veiled threats to get you to behave in a way that is in their best interest even if it’s not in yours.
Toxic communities can also come with an odd possessiveness, meaning the community defines its members not only by who subscribes to its particular (often narrow) beliefs and goals, but also (and sometimes more prominently) by who the group is against. This can look like paranoia of outsiders and outside beliefs. In possessive communities, disloyalty is the chief sin and loyalty to the group or cause demands your full commitment.
You may find yourself thinking of a toxic community you or someone you love is in. Your next step will depend on a lot of factors unique to the situation. There is no one size fits all next step unfortunately. Some questions to ask yourself may be: How can I set boundaries to keep myself healthy? What am I willing to risk to see positive change happen in this environment? Which lines, if crossed, will tell me I have to leave?
There are two things you can do while you’re in the trenches of a toxic community whether you choose to stay and endure, stay and try to change the community, or leave.
First, cultivate gratitude. I know this sounds hard. But one of the side effects of living in toxic spaces is bitterness; not just towards the community either. Toxic bitterness tends to seep into every part of our lives. Gratitude is the antidote. Nothing is all good or all bad, so challenge yourself to name the good qualities of the people and community you find toxic. You can also name the benefits you reap from the group, even if it’s just a paycheck to cover the bills, we can still be grateful.
The second thing you can do is to look for the Imago Dei: the image of God. Even toxic, cruel, manipulative people are people made in the image of God. As we reflect on their value and worth due to that, we are doing the ministry of reconciliation. We may never see the fruit of it. We may be further alienated because of it. But we do what is right and good when we partner with the Holy Spirit to have the self control to treat everyone with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and goodness. (Gal. 5:22-23)
I wish someone could come along and write a clever song about your toxic situation to make you laugh and lighten the load. When we find ourselves in unsustainable, toxic communities, we must remember that there are indeed others out there willing to be the healing balm of healthy community. As we practice gratitude for the good we do have and treat others as image bearers (despite how they treat us), our hearts change. We gain a deeper understanding of loving the unlovable just as God loved us that, “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Rom. 5:8)
Meet the Author!
Phoebe is a therapist in private practice at Bethany Counseling Center, mom to Vivi, Charlie, and Harris and wife to Jeff. She speaks and writes on the integration of faith and mental health as essential to living in our identity in Christ. She enjoys nonfiction books, Disney movies, and, like any good millennial, is a coffee and pen snob.
This blog is meant to further the conversation about mental health and is not intended as medical or professional advice.
