How should we talk about race, even with friends whose ethnicity is different from our own? To get some much needed insight, we interviewed close friends Lauren McAfee (fair-skinned, fiery redhead) and Asha McCoy (mocha-skinned delight).
Although they initially somewhat inherited their friendship through their husbands who were friends first, they have since become one of each other’s closest friends. Over the past eight years, they have shared in each other’s great joys and deep sorrows, cheered each other on, and pushed one another when accountability was needed. Together they’ve read books, done Bible studies, and memorized scripture. They’ve talked about every area of life and things that impact them. That includes race.
WHAT HAVE YOUR CONVERSATIONS BEEN LIKE AS RACIAL TENSIONS HAVE RECENTLY BEEN AT THE FOREFRONT OF CULTURE?
LAUREN: I remember the first time I asked Asha about a particular racial issue. I was nervous because even though we had been friends for a while, we hadn’t talked about issues related to race. As I fumbled my way through the question, Asha gently called me on it, “Is this the first time you are asking about something like this? You seem nervous.” Hah! I was immediately put at ease because of her straightforwardness. I knew our friendship was about to grow deeper. We’ve had honest conversations about a wide variety of racial issues ever since.
ASHA: I remember those early conversations as open, empathetic and filled with a lot of active listening. This remains true of our conversations about race today and we learn more from each other every time.
WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU APPRECIATE ABOUT EACH OTHER WHEN IT COMES TO DISCUSSING DIFFICULT TOPICS?
ASHA: I’ve appreciated Lauren’s genuine curiosity about my personal experience and her willingness to hear my perspective. We have a solid enough relationship that it feels like a safe space. Most of our conversations are not about race, but because of our trust with one another, it has enabled us to be vulnerable when harder topics come up. It helps to know that at the end of the day, whatever difficult topic we are discussing, we will each value the relationship enough to have grace for one another.
LAUREN: I deeply appreciate Asha’s patience and grace as I’ve asked questions about her experiences. Her willingness to share honestly about unique challenges she faced has allowed me to see a glimpse of the world through her eyes. I have seen how she has trusted God and leaned on His truth through life’s challenges. Seeing Asha’s faith in action has strengthened mine. Understanding our differences as black and white has allowed me to see God and His beautiful diversity in creation all the better. It has been a gift!
In our conversations about race, we both feel that it has served our spiritual lives by drawing us closer to God and pushing us to rely on His Word. The Bible gives us a framework for understanding the world and, as we both have a theological understanding of creation, fall, redemption and restoration, it shapes our perspective on these issues.
Genesis shows us that in the beginning God created people in His image (Genesis 1:27). This means all people have inherent dignity and value because they are God’s image bearers. This truth teaches that dignity should be extended to every person--regardless of race or any other distinguishing factor.
Later in Genesis, we unfortunately see that Adam and Eve sin. Because of that fall, sin has entered and now our world is broken. That brokenness is evident and has been particularly glaring in recent times for how it has manifested with the sin of racism. Yet, praise God that He sent his son to earth to offer personal redemption for those who accept His truth. Christ lived the perfect life, died, and rose again that we might have reconciliation with God. Not only do we have reconciliation with God, but we have the chance to bring reconciliation to earth.
This gospel view has shaped both of us as we approach these conversations, giving us an understanding of the reality of a fallen world and hope because of the eternal promises of our God. We hope these truths will also give hope to others navigating the heartbreaking reality of racism.
WHAT CLOSING PIECE OF ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO PEOPLE?
ASHA: Listening is an active practice that involves taking in the other person’s viewpoint and experience without interjecting your own. This is key, and it is a gift when you offer active listening to someone else.
LAUREN: Have empathy and validate the other person’s experience. You don’t have to validate every belief or opinion they have, but you can validate their very real experience. In validating how someone feels, it allows the person to feel seen.
