(Editor’s Note: In honor of Oklahoma’s August temperatures, we’re tackling a myriad of “hot” topics this month. Stay cool!)
Oklahoma is notorious for its summer heat waves, and this summer is no exception. Navigating “hot-potato” conversations and hot-button issues with friends, family and co-workers can be heated as well!
Why should we have these hard conversations? It certainly is tempting to bury issues or avoid uncomfortable talks. The truth is, many issues just don’t get better on their own and putting off a hard conversation adds worry and anger to our lives. Often we risk stumbling into a conversation that can lead to both parties getting burned by an emotional outburst.
Problems that linger end up festering and can come to a boiling-point that results in long-term damage. Matter of fact, being silent on some issues is conveying the message that it’s OK. As believers, we are called to “love one another.” So, motivated by love, let’s address the best way to handle a heated conversation.
1. Take time to warm up.
I love a good Pilates and Zumba class, but we’d never start without warming up. Likewise, it’s best to prepare for the conversation. Spend time with God to prepare yourself, dealing with any anger or bitterness and asking God to fill you with His Spirit. What exactly do you want to convey? What exactly is the desired result? Choose a safe, neutral setting such as the living room or while taking a walk. Consider an appropriate length for the conversation. Scheduling the discussion in advance allows everyone to process the situation ahead of time and prevents anyone from feeling ambushed. Consider saying, “There’s something I’d like to talk to you about after dinner. Can we go for a walk?” If this is a group conversation with children or teens, consider creating “ground rules” such as only one person speaks at a time and use calm voices. Setting a time limit with the timer on a smart phone will allow for everyone to take a turn. Using some of these strategies will help maintain a comfortable temperature for all.
2. Keep it cool.
State your case kindly and gently, yet directly. Begin and end with honest affirmation, pointing out good qualities. This creates a safe, comfortable temperature. Deep down, people desire to be seen and heard. Listen carefully. Rather than formulating a response, seek to understand the speaker. Have an open attitude and desire to learn. Ask yourself, “Why is he or she saying this to me? What’s going on with him/her?” Try to clear up and prevent any future misunderstandings or miscommunication.
3. Check the thermostat.
Well placed, open-ended questions work wonders to help understand where the other person is coming from. They also build awareness, helping the speaker discover his or her own thoughts and feelings. This results in taking ownership and implementing change. Non-judgmental questions promote reflection and dialogue. Good questions expand everyone’s perspectives. Questions that begin with “how” or statements such as “Tell me more about…” or “Help me understand…” are invaluable. Prepare your questions in advance.
4. Don’t get overheated.
I am notorious for working out in the yard too long, too hard and when it’s too hot. The signs? I get overheated and strain my back. I should have stopped sooner! In the heat of the moment, hurtful words, sarcasm and fighting back are some signs that the conversation is reaching its boiling point. Watch facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. Consider stepping back by saying, “I think we need some space to think through this. I don’t want to say the wrong thing because I care about you. Let me think about this. Can we talk again tomorrow?” Avoid an argument and aim for a win/win situation. Keep in mind that settling tough issues takes time and often requires more than one conversation. Likewise, tackling too many things at once is overwhelming, unrealistic and unproductive.
5. Consult the heat experts.
When I want to know what the high Oklahoma temps will be, I go to the local news experts. When hot-button issues don’t appear to have a resolution, calling in a neutral third party or professional counselor to navigate the conversation is very helpful. Often just a few visits will make a big difference.
6. Cool down.
Once there is a clear understanding, focus on moving forward. Brainstorm mutual solutions and make plans for a follow-up conversation.
If you’re hot and bothered and need to have a hard conversation, take courage! Challenging discussions are opportunities for peaceful lives, strong relationships and Godly transformation.
Meet the Author!
Karen serves at the Spiritual Formation Team Coordinator for Council Road. She has been a minister’s wife for nearly 35 years and enjoys supporting and coaching Oklahoma Baptist church planting wives. An award winning blogger, Karen has a passion for encouraging women searching for hope. She and her husband Jimmy have 3 children and 2 grandsons.