Me: Umm… your shoes are on the wrong feet.
Son: I know! It makes Petey laugh!
Me: Isn’t it uncomfortable?
Son: Nope!
Me: Well, go ahead and get in the car I guess.
Petey, in case you are wondering, is his favorite stuffed animal. I am fairly certain Petey cannot laugh, but I guess stranger things have happened.
It is also worth mentioning that this child was probably wearing striped pants with a striped shirt. Those stripes were likely not going in the same direction.
So embarrassing! What would people think of me as a parent when they saw him? Should I choose to battle him over this?
Here are just a few lessons I’ve learned, through trial and error (mostly error), regarding when a battle needs to be fought and how.
The Battle is Not Against My Child
We went through a very rough season with one of our children a few years ago. You know the kind, where every interaction feels like a test, filled with tension and egg shell walking. We eventually realized that our child felt like we were battling against HER instead of her behavior. I went to her and held up both of my hands. I said this (right hand) is you and this (left hand) is me. We are standing next to each other, shoulder to shoulder, facing this problem. We are fighting it together. This did not eliminate the need for consequences and learning, but it did change both of our attitudes toward the behavior.
Natural Consequences are Great Teachers
As parents, we often want to be helpful and ease or eliminate the discomfort of our children. Letting them face the natural consequences of their choices is so difficult. My son came home from his friend’s house one day looking dejected. After a couple of questions, I learned that he had been unkind and they asked him to leave. The parent/teacher in me wanted to have a long discussion about being kind, compromising, etc., and then try to make him feel better. That would have led to anger in my son and a battle between him and I. The lesson was already learned, no words needed from me. Trying to eliminate his feelings of hurt would have eliminated the lesson. I had to silently allow him to go through his feelings. The next time he had the opportunity to play with those friends, I had to chase him down at dinner time because they were having so much fun together!
Sometimes Battles are Worth The Fight
As I was writing this, one of my children was sitting next to me, poking my arm, pressing letters on the keyboard, and yelling nonsense words. I ignored him for quite a while. Eventually though, I did have to address him. He said, “I just want attention.” So I turned my body and gave him all my attention. That wasn’t good enough. As the morning progressed, he ended up having some thinking time in his room. He wanted to battle. He wanted a fight with me. He wanted a fight with anyone. This is the point at which I get to define the battle. We think of battles as fights, but they don’t have to be. I kept my voice calm. I stated my instructions firmly and succinctly. He discovered that I was not going to battle the way he wanted me to.
I have learned so much about myself while navigating through parenting. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Through every battle, I have learned to make keeping our relationship my main goal. Just like in marriage, if one person in the conflict “wins,” we both lose.
What kinds of battles do you find yourself in with your children? What tactics have worked well for you in navigating your parent/child relationship?
Meet the Author!
Kara is a wife to Brad and mother of four. She loves working with kids in church and at her job at Mother’s Day Out. When she finally gets some time alone she loves making cakes, taking long walks, hot chocolate, and laughing at Seinfeld reruns.