Vulnerability. Do you shudder when you hear the word? Does your stomach drop like you’re on some terrible roller coaster? Vulnerability researcher, Brene’ Brown, defines vulnerability as: uncertainty, risk, emotional exposure. Nobody likes emotional exposure when the outcome is uncertain. But there is no intimacy without vulnerability.
Intimacy is one of the ways that we bear God’s image. Which means needing close relationships where we are known and loved is essential to our flourishing. Cognitively, we know this is true. But our bodies betray that truth when our stomachs seize, our bodies freeze, and we clam up, preferring to stay silent and unknown than risk speaking up and being rejected.
Sharing about ourselves can be hard, but it is worth it when it is received and warmly accepted by those listening. Sharing takes courage and I pray God gives you that courage. Listening and receiving another’s vulnerability is a skill. Learning this skill could make all the difference in whether sharing vulnerability becomes a community building experience or one that makes us and others want to hide in shame.
Your nonverbal signals are crucial here. Lean in, warm eyes, soft heart. I know ‘soft heart’ isn’t technically a nonverbal signal, but if you truly attune to your compassion, your nonverbals (body language, facial gestures, eye contact, space, touch, tone…) will show your care. When people share vulnerably, your initial nonverbals will be the first sign that you accept them and this part of their story.
I know it can sound corny, but when they have come to a pause and it seems right, let them know you see and appreciate them trusting you with this information. Where you go next depends on your relationship to the person and your role in their life.
If you are not a regular supporting character in their story, it may be more appropriate not to probe too far. Telling too much information to someone who cannot give you ongoing support may feel like a relief in the moment, but people often walk away feeling they’ve taken an emotional risk that doesn’t have the mutual trust to support that risk.
If you are a regular in their life’s story and are okay with the friendship going deeper, here are some skills that will help them feel supported as they tell their story. Short summaries can show that you’re hearing what they’re saying and act as a way to make sure you’ve heard them correctly. Short verbal sounds of encouragement along with head nods also show that you’re attentive to their story.
Vulnerability can be difficult especially when we have shared with someone who did not receive it well. When that happens we often feel shame and pain. Our brains remember that feeling and remind us of it at the next opportunity to share. I invite you to rewrite that memory with a new one and share a new story with those you trust this week. I also invite you to examine your listening and receiving skills. Improving these could make a world of difference to someone bravely entrusting their story to you.
Meet the Author!
Phoebe is a therapist in private practice at Bethany Counseling Center, mom to Vivi, Charlie, and Harris and wife to Jeff. She speaks and writes on the integration of faith and mental health as essential to living in our identity in Christ. She enjoys nonfiction books, Disney movies, and, like any good millennial, is a coffee and pen snob.
This blog is meant to further the conversation about mental health and is not intended as medical or professional advice.
