Who do you know that has been sexually assaulted?
You might think, “no one,” or have names that come to mind immediately. Chances are, even if you can’t conjure a name, you still know someone who has experienced sexual violation in their life. Nearly 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men report having been raped in their lifetime (nsvrc.org/statistics). That means, in a church our size, approximately 200 females and 14 males have experienced a sexual assault. When you include sexual coercion, attempted rape, and childhood sexual abuse, it’s a wonder that anybody makes it through life without an unwanted sexual encounter.
While this article focuses on helping a woman who has been sexually assaulted in honor of Sexual Assault Awareness month. I want to also note that the underlying principles of support would apply to a man or woman disclosing childhood sexual abuse, sexual coercion, and rape by an intimate partner. That’s right, about half of all reported rapes are committed by an intimate partner (nsvrc.org/statistics).
Before we move forward, I need you to believe one thing: there are real women who have been deeply hurt by their church’s response to their experience of sexual assault. This sometimes looks like an uninformed comment from a speaker on stage, an overwhelmed lay-helper who doesn’t know how to help, and sometimes even denial and victim blaming. They have been hurt by someone representing the church, but misrepresenting Jesus in their response. And you need to believe that this happens to understand why we need to respond better now.
Know better. Do better.
Believe the victim
Always start here, even when you are skeptical: believe her. When we miss this step, we compound her trauma and lose her fragile trust. This looks like a lot of listening and empathy. Sit there in the muck with her. Don’t try to fix it. We are not the investigator or the prosecutor. We are her confidant, here to convey: I’m sad with you, this is awful, you didn’t deserve to be treated that way.
Support her
Know how to help and what to do. Keep showing up when the initial crisis is passed. Support can look like a lot of different things. Obviously the first step above of is huge in supporting her. Listening, empathy, and ongoing interest in her life may be all the support she needs.
There is also the practical side of support. Does she need medical care right now? Is the trauma recent enough that evidence could be collected? If so, one way to care for her is to call ahead to a hospital and see if they have a nurse who is trained in examining sexual assault patients. This is an actual certification and they are trained not only to help preserve evidence but to treat the victim with dignity and care. If the trauma is recent enough to need this, my friend who has this training gave me this advice, “Don’t eat, drink, pee, wash anything, or even change clothes if possible. Even feminine hygiene products used since the assault can be evidence.”
Support her—but stay in your lane
She will need therapy. As her friend, this is not your lane. Part of supporting her will be setting gentle boundaries when she’s asking you to do more than you are capable of as a friend. That may mean that you do some of the Googling groundwork. Look for therapists trained in specific trauma therapies (EMDR and CPT to name a few).
Caveat to the practical help: whether she receives this is not your choice. Would I want my friend or daughter to preserve evidence and immediately go to therapy? YES! But that’s not my decision. Women who have experienced having the power even over their own body ripped away from them do not need us to compound their disempowerment by forcing our choices on them.
Let us be the generation of the church that changes the narrative of how the church responds to victims of sexual assault. Let us be the people that usher in a ministry of healing so that generations after us will be better for it.
Editor’s Note: Please call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area. Or contact Council Road Women’s Ministry Director at banks@councilroad.org for recommendations in the Oklahoma City area. You are worth healing.
Meet the Author!
Phoebe is a therapist in private practice at Bethany Counseling Center, mom to the very lively Vivi and very chill Charlie, and wife to Jeff. You may spot her out and about at almost any Target in the area with a coconut milk latte in hand. She enjoys nonfiction books, Disney movies, and helping others find peace and healing in the hope of the Gospel.
This blog is meant to further the conversation about mental health and is not intended as medical or professional advice.
