Mom guilt. Bleh. Just bleh. Its “solutions” have been summarized in memes traveling the globe. Drown it in wine and chocolate. Bury it with more Netflix. Joke about it in your own funny video. While these clever quips offer us some empathy, knowing that we’re not the only mom experiencing a hurdle doesn’t feel like enough to ease our pain.
Guilt vs. Shame
First, we need to establish whether what we are feeling is guilt or shame, as they are not the same and we need to tackle each problem differently. Guilt tells me I did something wrong. It’s a matter of facts that look at behavior. Shame tells me I’m a bad mom. It will often gather facts to support its case, but it mostly gains life from our own existing set of negative beliefs.
What to do with guilt
This one’s easy. True guilt will point to a real problem that we are guilty of creating. If I forgot to pack extra clothes for the potty training toddler, then I can solve the problem by putting a reminder on the calendar to not forget them for our next outing. If I yelled at the unruly teen, then I can apologize and ask for their forgiveness, looking to respond better in the future. Be happy when you are the guilty one, because you hold the solution and the agency to resolve the problem.
What to do with shame
This one is a bit harder to solve than guilt. Most shame will sound like you’re not [blank] enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not worthy enough, etc. Shame will often attack our value and worth, our sense of power and control, or our sense of physical and emotional safety. It will start with a kernel of truth and wrap it in lies until it looks too big and scary of a beast to fight against.
We must recognize what category our mom shame falls into so that we can be prepared for what triggers it. For one mom, feeling unappreciated by her children who just can’t seem to pick up their messes may trigger shame. Another may feel a loss of power when a child refuses to obey. Yet another may feel threatened to see her children angrily wrestle over a toy or gaming device.
We must be able to discern what we are guilty of and the lies shame is accusing us of. Guilt will have facts grounded in the present situation and will lead to a solution. Shame will feel overwhelming and might have you coping like a meme on Instagram. When we can name our shame and ground ourselves in the truth of what God declares is true about us, then we can begin to unravel the beast.
Editor’s Note: CLICK HERE for the truth of what God says about you.
Meet the Author!
Phoebe is a therapist in private practice at Bethany Counseling Center, mom to the very lively Vivi and very chill Charlie, and wife to Jeff. You may spot her out and about at almost any Target in the area with a coconut milk latte in hand. She enjoys nonfiction books, Disney movies, and helping others find peace and healing in the hope of the Gospel.
This blog is meant to further the conversation about mental health and is not intended as medical or professional advice.
