This new journey of grief looks nothing like I had imagined. I always thought I would be visiting my momma’s grave every day and sitting serenely as I talked to her and cried, telling her how much I missed her. Instead, the past three months have been some of the busiest and most stress-filled days of my life. The weird thing about grief is that life goes on.
Pastor Kelvin Jenkins, Sr., says, “Many of us are living with high-functional grief, a form of grief that allows us to continue our daily routines while still carrying the weight of loss. Unlike more visible forms of mourning, high-functional grief can be hidden, as we focus on work, family, and responsibilities while struggling internally. This grief doesn't always demand attention, but it lingers in moments of quiet, showing up as exhaustion, irritability, or emotional numbness. It's a reminder that grief isn't always loud or all-consuming, it can coexist with productivity, often going unnoticed by those around us, and even ourselves.”
I’m relieved someone has been able to describe what I’m feeling because some days I wonder if my mom has really passed away or not. Why must life rush on as if nothing has happened!? I haven’t even had time to cry. The one time I made it back to her gravesite was to place red, silk poinsettias in the ground that I hurriedly bought while running through a craft store. She hated red. Her favorite color was purple, but no purple silk poinsettias were to be found.
Luckily, introverts like me are masters at compartmentalizing emotion and putting it on a shelf to deal with later. I’m hoping my “later” will come in January. But I’m also afraid my first big outburst of crying and emotion will happen during a staff meeting surrounded by men. Ugh! What could be worse for a non-emotional, resident crab like me!
Grief is not new to me. I’ve grieved a lot of loss in my life. So I think the thing that has thrown me these past months is that my expectations have not come to pass. I’m doing things that have to be done, not what I want to do. Going through mom’s house was a monumental task because she had thrown nothing away since she was a baby. In fact, she still had her baby book, her mother’s baby book and every receipt from Home Depot since 2003. She served as the family historian. Scheduling all needed repairs and inspections on top of working a full-time job in an unusually busy season, while managing several health conditions and wading through the major holidays has proven to be a huge challenge. And if it hadn’t been for my incredible husband in charge of logistics, absolutely nothing would have gotten finished.
Here is what I’ve learned in the past three months since mom passed:
Stick close to Scripture and a daily prayer life - that is what will keep you grounded.
Scripture is the one true and unchanging thing we have in this world. 2 Kings 20:5 says, ‘This is what the Lord, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.” The times I feel most calm is when I’m reading Scripture and talking to the Lord.Be a blessing to others.
Revelation 4:13 says, ...Yes, says the Spirit, “they will rest from their labor, for their deeds will follow them.” One of the most incredible blessings my mom has continued to give me even after her death are the words and cards that others have told me or sent to me about how mom touched their lives. I will re-read them from now on. If you haven’t received a blessing in your time of grief, YOU be the blessing to someone else who is grieving. YOU go! You will be amazed at how much you will be helped by reaching out to help others. Isaiah 40:11 says, “He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart…” Mom was always prepared to BE the blessing. Every week during our grocery store trip, she would make sure she stocked up on coffee, tea and cookies. One week I finally asked her what that was all about. She said she had to make sure she was ready to help anyone who needed to talk, and the best place to do that was in her kitchen with coffee, tea and cookies. She expected to BE a blessing and actively prepared to do so.Reset expectations quickly.
Realize each day might be, will probably be, new and full of things you have not expected or planned for. There will be time to go back and tend to previous responsibilities.Realize this is a season.
Someday a routine will return. It will never be your previous normal, but a new routine will come about.Stay faithful to your friends and ministry at church.
My husband, friends and my music ministry have been my “constant” the past three months. In a new life without my mom, where nothing is normal, this is one place that is, and Sunday mornings have been a refuge for me. I also would not have made it without the prayer and tangible support from my community group. Wow - they provided things I didn’t even know I would need.“Know that as long as you can feel your heart beating, you will miss your loved one,” says Bob Willis, a local certified grief counselor. You have permission to seek counseling, and Bob is one of the best in town. He has written several books, and one of the easiest ways to receive his advice is to follow him on Facebook. He posts a new column early every morning, and it is excellent!
Take your loved one with you.
Right after mom passed, I knew immediately that I didn’t want to be in her house on Thanksgiving or even in OKC, for that matter. There was never a Thanksgiving that I had celebrated without her in her house, and I knew I couldn’t do it. My cousin suggested a cabin in Beavers Bend State Park, and it was perfect! I brought a picture of her with me and placed one of her hats on the frame, and I set it on the kitchen counter in the cabin. She was smiling with us the whole week, and it was calming. I sent a picture to Bob Willis, who said he is looking forward to seeing future adventures with mom’s picture. What a great idea to take her on future trips.Use your loved one’s things in your own home.
I have set up mom’s two purple and turquoise Christmas trees in my house this year (Christmas was never red in her world). They are SO her, and I love it. I am also in the process of creating a shrine to her in my front bedroom. It will also serve as my flute practice room. I can’t imagine a better way to be surrounded by her loving presence, her pictures and her favorite things.
There is a reason it’s called a grief journey. It’s ongoing, like life. I like how Merriam-Webster defines a journey: The journey through life is filled with wonder, challenges, broken hearts, extreme highs and lows, celebrations, special moments and memories that define our experience as a human. It is these events, planned or unexpected, that impact our travels and define our purpose.
If you are encountering fresh grief this season, I pray this for you: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4). Seek solace in the gift of Christmas, our Savior.
Meet the Author!
Sarah has worked at Council Road in a variety of ministries since 1984. She currently serves as the senior pastor’s assistant and staff editor. She has played flute in the CRBC orchestra since 1983 and met her husband, Dave, while serving in the music ministry together. She enjoys traveling to wherever Dave is photographing a beautiful landscape.