I turn 30 next month, which feels like a big deal—the end of a decade! I have been thinking about what it has been like being single through these incredible, weird, formative (and at times flailing) years in my 20s. My guess is that if someone who spent most of their 20s embarking on marriage and/or parenthood was reflecting on that same decade, we’d use many of the same adjectives of beautiful, painful, full of life and loss and adventure and growing pains.
My relationship status and season of life is not what dictates my purpose nor does it give me a pass that frees me of hardships. And thankfully, marriage is not the deciding factor to whether or not I can live a life of deep meaning and joy. (Whew, because 50% of the population would be straight outta luck!)
SEASONAL STRUGGLES
There are, however, a unique set of struggles when you’ve spent some time being single—just like there are unique sets of struggles when you’re married, having kids, battling illnesses, getting older, losing loved ones...you name it. None of us are exempt from the pain and brokenness this world offers us.
I remember one Mother’s Day that it hit me like a ton of bricks: I wasn’t too far away from the age that it would be harder to get pregnant if I want to have biological children. Not impossible, just harder. That realization felt really heavy; time was slipping away and I couldn’t do a thing about it. Or at weddings, when I really want to dance with somebody (in the great words of Whitney Houston). There are nights when I lie in bed and it just feels lonely not having someone next to me. Break-ups, of course, have been excruciating. Being single has its really hard days. I don’t want to breeze through and make it seem like everything has been easy. It’s okay to be sad about the hard things.
But...being single is not a curse. And when singles start believing that lie is when discontentment and bitterness will overtake us.
GRATEFUL PERSPECTIVE
Someday, I would love to get married and have a family, and I’m hopeful and open to the possibility that might be in my future. But there’s so much to enjoy about being single (especially in your 20s!), and that narrative needs to be out there way more! There are few other times in life where the flexibility and freedom of singleness can be more greatly enjoyed and utilized for the Kingdom. It is FUN to live with friends, spend money on traveling and generosity, experience life with my original family unit a bit longer, sleep 8+ hours uninterrupted, and invest in lives around me in a unique way.
Gratitude is the simple approach that changes everything. I cannot always control my circumstances, but I can control how I approach them.
I could look at my life and focus on all that I want and don’t have...or I could pursue a perspective about my circumstances that God is calling me to have. I do wish to include a huge disclaimer here if you have experienced a recent drastic change or tragedy in your life. Right now, you are probably just trying to breathe and put one foot in front of another. Gratitude can be a gentle calling to bring to mind all the ways you are loved and seen in the midst of heartache. Gratitude can also be a calling of conviction to the narrow-minded.
I can see life through the pigeon hole of my own expectation and be ungrateful unless I get my way, or I can be present to my actual life and not waste my time “waiting” for a different life to start.
FILLING IN THE GAPS
I also find it so helpful to be in a church family; I love that we get to help fill in the gaps for each other. Sometimes I want to hang out and be goofy with kids, so I go to the third floor on our campus and spend time with our children’s ministry. I often want to laugh my head off with teenagers, so I spend time in our student ministry. All of my grandparents have passed away and I miss them dearly, so the CUBE volunteers that I get to talk with throughout the week and those that hug me on Sundays fill me up. The church has filled my life with big family lunches, trusted men and women who give me great advice and friendship, and babies to hold. And I contribute to their lives in needed ways as well.
I am telling you right now that an adult with 8 hours of sleep under her belt walking into a home with young children is a blessing from above. Being a caring, loving adult in a child or teenager’s life can make all the difference in the world. The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard states, “the single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver or other adult.” One committed adult can change the life of a child with exposure to ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences.) Widening the circle of “family” and letting each other into our daily lives is one of the best things we can do for each other.
So, I guess what I want you to know, especially you “Little Women” in the midst of your tender twenties (I just re-read the book and watched the movie twice in theaters, forgive me), is that you don’t have to be afraid of being single (or married) through this decade. You can celebrate those around you well and break out of patterns of discontentment. I can’t speak to beyond 30, but from what I see from amazing women in all different stages around me...we’re going to be okay.
We can’t control a lot in our lives, but we have a God who is worthy of our trust and loves us faithfully. And we have each other. It’s more than enough.
Meet the Author!
Makenzie graduated from Wheaton College where she majored in Christian Ministry, Urban Studies, and Photography and somehow managed to apply all of her degrees to work in the real world! She has a passion for community development after years working in urban ministry in Chicago, non-profits in Austin, and part-time roles at CRBC the past 4&1/2 years. She loves being able to equip and serve the church and recently stepped into the full-time role as Minister of Missions at CRBC which includes both local and global partnerships. Despite being the missions minister, she is quite the homebody. She is an avid Harry Potter fan, loves Oklahoma City, and loves to be with her friends, family, and ADORABLE weenie dog, May.