Right now we are being inundated with advertising trying to sell us the secret to everything from weight loss, relationships, meditation, time management, and happiness itself. Marketers know that people often feel stuck in old habits and are looking for help in the new year. But what if we have it backwards. What if we need to look backwards and inwards before we look forward and reach outwards for help?
The missed first step: Looking backwards
We are often acutely aware of the damage our bad habit is doing in the present. Most transformation gurus will tell you that you need to start by envisioning a future where your bad habit is gone and your new habit is thriving.
But I’m telling you to look back first. That bad habit didn’t form out of nowhere. Often the bad habits that are most stuck were actually useful to us at one point in life. They were our best strategy for coping with the stress of the moment. They somehow kept us feeling secure in the chaos.
Our minds and bodies do not want to easily let go of something that was so valuable to our sense of security. So shuck the shame of your own stuckness in favor of compassionately understanding why this habit formed in the first place. Speak to yourself with the kindness you would show your bestie.
Looking inward
Our automatic behaviors are a product of our beliefs. A belief is simply what feels most true about ourselves, God, and the world. Sometimes beliefs line up with what is actually true, sometimes they don’t. There will always be friction and chaos where our beliefs are out of alignment with God’s truth.
What does your bad habit say about what feels most true to you? Does it say:
Escaping my life feels better than living it
I don’t deserve to be treated with dignity and respect
No one cares about me
I need to be in control
I need to make sure everyone is happy
The list could go on, but our automatic behavior has a lot to tell us about our deepest held beliefs. Listening for those beliefs may be hard and confronting them will be even harder, but bringing them into the light and in alignment with the truth of God will set you free.
Now look forward
When we understand why a bad habit forms and the malformed belief we are acting out of, then we can identify what needs to change more precisely.
If escaping is your go-to, then cutting off from one escaping behavior will often lead to another escaping behavior. Instead, look at what you are avoiding and why. What skills and habits do you need in place to be able to stay in the hard thing when you want to escape?
If people pleasing is at the root of your bad habit, what boundaries need to be set within yourself and in relationships to move out of that role in the relational dynamic and into kind assertiveness?
If control is where you stumble you might need to learn how to calm your body down through breathing and grounding techniques before you tackle the underlying trust issues.
This is the point where you reach for help
When we’ve done the hard, but good work of looking back, looking inward, and looking forward, we have a much better idea of the kind of help we need that will actually be helpful. It could be:
Working through malformed beliefs with a counselor or mentor
Paying for services to relieve some stress in your life
Reading a book or taking a course to gain some skills
Whatever the help may be, do reach for it. One way that we live in alignment with God’s design for us is to live in community with others as we share one another’s burdens and encourage each other towards living in ever increasing alignment with God.
Meet the Author!
Phoebe is a therapist in private practice at Bethany Counseling Center, mom to Vivi, Charlie, and Harris and wife to Jeff. She speaks and writes on the integration of faith and mental health as essential to living in our identity in Christ. She enjoys nonfiction books, Disney movies, and, like any good millennial, is a coffee and pen snob.
This blog is meant to further the conversation about mental health and is not intended as medical or professional advice.
