I love the story I heard of Farmer Herman and the Flooding Barn. Herman had a barn that flooded terribly every time it rained. After many failed solutions, he decided the only way to save his barn was to physically move it. So his community showed up and 344 people literally lifted the barn up by metal supports and moved it up a hill so that his livestock would have dry shelter and food. What a beautiful picture of community - everyone banning together to do a small thing in order to perform something that alone seemed impossible.
The Christian Alliance for Orphans has also published a children’s book about this amazing story to relate it to foster care. Supporting a family who is fostering or adopting a child is much the same. It takes a whole community doing small things together to literally hold them up and carry them. I asked the Kilman and McConnell families in our church a few questions about the supports their family has needed and they shared some great insights for us. I also added a few thoughts of my own.
1. What types of social supports mean the most to you and your family?
Social supports that allow us to participate in activities outside of our home mean the most to us. Our childcare needs extended beyond the typical birth-5 range and sometimes prevented us from participating in events or even prevented us from watching our other children during their events.
Community with other adoptive families that understand the specific struggles of trauma and adoption.
A chance to talk about the struggles we have to a listening ear, plus getting to participate in the everyday of the church and have my kids loved no matter what.
2. How did the support you need differ when comparing the time right after kids are placed with you to once kids have been with you for awhile?
When the children first moved in, all our children were small so we needed support inside our home. Caring for small children is challenging for most people, but adding trauma to the challenge made the days long and lonely. Having friends willing to bring their kids over to play and understand that things would be chaotic was very helpful.
Now that they are older, our needs are more outside the home. Even though all of our kids are 'old enough' to be home on their own, we have one who cannot be left at home alone. We often have to rely on friends or family to help with transportation. Going to activities for our children is challenging because one of our children acts much younger than he is. It is embarrassing to have to take a 2 year old out of a concert for being loud. It is mortifying to have to take a 10 year old out.
While not a complete necessity, the meal train allowed us to focus on more bonding time as a family at the beginning. I think the specific social supports haven't changed, but the questions we're asking within those supports have changed.
At the beginning, life is overwhelming with a new placement. So tangible helps were appreciated, as well as prayer support. As life progressed for us as a family, tangible supports occasionally are still helpful but the prayer support has been key. Just a text saying you are praying for us can change the course of a day for me.
3. Who do you turn to for a listening ear when parenting gets hard?
When things get hard I turn to my friends in our adoption group. I have many friends who love my kids and are willing to listen, and I love them for that. But when I need someone who understands, I turn to the relationships I have made in our support group because our shared experiences have created a bond that is priceless to us.
Our Wednesday support group for sure. I think any of our close friends and coworkers are good listening ears as well. Listening is obviously different from offering advice, so we've got a much higher number of listeners we trust.
It’s hard for others who don’t know what it is like to parent a child with our children’s unique needs to even understand our questions. So, most of the time, we turn to others who do understand like fellow foster/adoptive families or trained professionals. But, our home group has also been a huge support to pray for our specific needs and do life with us even when it is hard.
4. How can people who want to support you but don't have training in foster care and adoption support you and your family?
Helping adoptive and foster families can be so overwhelming. I think one of the best things you can do is ask them how to help care for their children. When a volunteer or staff member in the children's department has taken the time to ask me how to help my child feel welcome and successful at church, I am immediately put at ease and relieved to hear that my child is wanted.
You can never go wrong bringing a meal to a family! We even once had friends bring food and then stay and eat with us. It was awkward at first because we were still learning about our newest children, but our friends were committed to supporting us all the way. They stayed through the awkwardness and let us know that they were all in with us.
I have had family members read the same books I am reading about trauma and behavior. Knowing that they cared enough to educate themselves and then ask me about what they were learning was so helpful.
Allowing your children to be friends with adopted or foster children, even when they have behavior that is challenging, is a huge thing you can do to help.
Pray a lot. Be willing to put their own parenting experiences/techniques to the side when offering advice because it's a completely different world. Be open to spending some time getting training to better understand our situation and how they can support us.
I’m hopeful these words might generate some ideas for you about how you can play a small part in supporting families who are fostering or adopting. It takes a whole community coming together to help a family fulfill the calling God has given them to care for this child. Supporting a foster or adoptive family is fulfilling a calling of your own from God to care for the orphaned. The difference between our families and Farmer Herman’s barn is that the need for support doesn’t end in one day, but for the lifetime of that child. Help be the solution for the life of a child.
Meet the Author!
Carisa Wilsie is a licensed psychologist and orphan care advocate. She lives life with many bright and compassionate people that hold her up. She is a wife and mother to three who were born out of her heart through adoption. Most importantly, she is a Christ follower and strives everyday to live out her unique calling. Thoughts shared here are based out of personal opinion and experience.