As she navigated the crowded food court to an out of the way corner table, she caught my eye and my heart – tattered coat, uncombed hair, downcast eyes and stressed face. I could see in her movements familiar feelings and fears – lonely but isolated, in a crowd but hidden, out of the way, afraid of being too much but also in need.
She sat alone, talking to herself, and her immediate need seemed to be something to eat. Her countenance brightened as we approached her, and she gladly accepted our offer of a meal. As we delivered her food, she showed us her journal in which she was writing – a confusing set of random notes and pieces of information apparently gathered from the last several days. Her mind was confused, she told us she was getting married the next day (well maybe, she couldn’t quite remember), and her body was tired. Mental illness had taken its cruel and painful toll for sure - she was friendly, wanted to know who we were, where we went to church, and was thankful for the food, but conversation proved difficult, confusing, and ultimately brief.
I know the world of mental illness well – I have lived with a painful mind for most of my life. I know the isolation, the loneliness, and the fear. For the past twenty years, I have pursued recovery and have been blessed with the resources and privilege of medicine, therapy and a team of family, friends and professionals supporting me each step of this journey. Yet I know well the brokenness of mental illness and how it still tries to break me each day.
My heart was drawn to that woman several nights ago because I saw something familiar in her – yes, the struggle with a painful mind, but there was something else – a heart, a mind and a soul deeply loved and deeply known by God.
That encounter led me to this thought: can my brokenness break the image of God in me?
I’ve feared that it could, and maybe it’s felt that way at times, but my illness, my pain, any brokenness I may experience can’t erase or break God’s heart and love for me or the desire He has for me to enter into relationship with Him – to experience being fully loved and fully known.
And now I can choose. I can choose to let the hurt and pain and struggles of life harden my heart and reflect only the weaknesses and frailties of my life, or my broken places can lead me to greater dependence and greater surrender which then actually reflects more of God’s heart, God’s love, God’s character and the fruit of a broken life surrendered to Him.
I am an image bearer, His image bearer, reflecting what His love, grace, power, and hope can do. “He must become greater; I must become less” (John 3:30).
Meet the Author!
Lover of diet coke and long strolls at the mall, Stacee Goetzinger is an author, speaker, wife, mother, daughter and friend. Psalm 118:17, "I will not die but live, and proclaim what the Lord has done," is her life verse and describes her passion to allow God to use the pain of a lengthy battle with mental illness and an eating disorder to write and speak words of hope, courage and life.
Connect with Stacee at Speakoutloud.me.