Do you know someone who could mentor me?
I have been asked this question over and over again. One of my dreams is that we as women would so organically and intentionally walk alongside one another that it need never be asked again.
In the meantime, here are my top four tips when looking for a mentor:
1. BE HUNGRIER TO LEARN THAN YOU ARE EMBARRASSED TO ASK
I am convinced that one of the most critical keys to growing spiritually is to cultivate the heart of a learner. You may have to deal with your faulty sense of worth, embarrassment, and fears of what someone may think about you, but ask your questions and be ready to listen. Pray for the heart of a learner and slay away at anything that would hinder it.
2. KNOW WHAT YOU NEED AND WANT
Some questions to consider:
What type of mentoring are you looking for? Structured regular meetings, casual life on life conversations, occasional advice, or a spiritual momma to watch over you and whom you can call on anytime?
How often would you like to meet/talk? How much time are you wanting from someone? Weekly, bi-weekly, occasionally, often?
What would you like to do in your time together? What could most help you? Help or accountability with spiritual disciplines like daily devotions, studying the Bible, scripture memory, and prayer? Spiritual encouragement? Reading a book or doing a Bible Study together? Help with your relationships (marriage, parenting, etc) or working through any particular issues, habits, or concerns? Learning skills like running a business, cooking, meal planning, exercise, gardening, etc?
Are there particular qualities, attributes, age range, or interests you're looking for in a mentor?
3. LOOK WHERE YOU ARE AND INITIATE
It’s true some people find success in mentoring relationships where someone else has paired you together, but women with extensive experience in mentoring agree it most often works best when it comes about organically. So, start paying extra close attention to the women you're around and come in contact with naturally. Look for women you have a connection with, who represent who you'd like to be, seem particularly available to you, etc.
Who teaches your groups, hosts events you attend, mentions working through something you're struggling with, or represents the type of faith/relationships/spiritual disciplines/habits/lifestyle you desire? Then...and this is critical...hang around them, ask them a question or two, see if they can meet for lunch or coffee.
Initiate some conversations.
4. EXPAND YOUR DEFINITION OF A MENTOR
Most of us think of mentoring as a close and lasting relationship with one woman. As a young woman who wasn’t raised in the church but was very spiritually hungry, I would have LOVED to have had that type of relationship with an older woman. Yet, outside of an extremely brief period in college, that one woman relationship never seemed to materialize for me. Honestly, I might have overwhelmed or overdepended on her if she had. What I have been deeply grateful to learn is that there are lots of ways to be mentored.
Read and listen to books, articles, and podcasts on spiritual topics you wish to mature in. Through these avenues, Anne Ortlund showed me how I could be a lifelong disciple-maker, Ruth Myers showed me the power of praying the Psalms, Jen Wilkin challenged me to study my Bible with my head as well as my heart, Ann Voskamp inspired me to open my eyes to God’s daily gifts, Jackie Hill Perry helped me better understand what it’s like to struggle with gender and choose to trust God’s design anyway, Lysa TerKeurst’s honesty and vulnerability made me feel understood and challenged me to trust a God I can’t always understand.
You can even listen and learn from women like these through their books and podcasts while driving, walking, cooking or working out. Follow trusted spiritual leaders on social media to learn from their experiences and hear their wisdom. Ask for recommendations from spiritually maturing learners you know and make a note when you hear someone mention a book, article, or podcast you think sounds interesting, then look them up later. Follow blogs and read articles by women you admire. Definitely subscribe to our women's blog at www.councilroadwomen.org. It’s a great resource with regular weekly content!
Ask someone you admire a specific question you have (like how they study their Bible, keep their mind from wandering when they pray, nurture their marriage, discipline a strong-willed child...). This can vary from asking them out for coffee or just asking a question after you hear them speak somewhere. Depending on your personality, this could be hugely intimidating, but, it is a great place to start if you really want to learn and grow. It’s also a great way to explore if a woman might be a potential mentor you’d like to spend more time with later.
Two of the pieces of wisdom that have most impacted my life came from women I met with only one time. One was attending a conference I was also attending. She had written a Bible Study I'd just done, so I stepped out of my comfort zone to find her and ask if she could have breakfast with me one morning of the conference. She wouldn’t even remember our meeting, but it was a seriously life-altering conversation for me!
Be realistic and gratefully accept what a potential mentor can and cannot offer you. Life is full and we all have challenges and responsibilities. If a woman cannot meet weekly but is happy to answer some questions over coffee or recommend some resources, graciously accept whatever she has to give.
When we are truly faithful, available, and teachable, God does beautiful things in and through us with mentoring relationships. Let’s share our lives with one another and experience the beauty it brings!
Meet the Author!
Bible teacher, author, inspirational speaker and disciple-maker, Vickey Banks is passionate about helping women connect the dots between God’s Word and their everyday lives. She loves serving as Women’s Ministry Director at Council Road, celebrating her people, playing with her puppy and getting lost in a good story.