Reading and discussing the book, “Fervent” by Priscilla Shirer with our book club this summer has been eye-opening and encouraging. Each chapter identifies and unpacks a specific way the Enemy attempts to hinder our prayer life and, in turn, our relationship with the Lord. I have taken away specific actions from each chapter that will be life-changing for my prayer life.
I can distinctly remember the feeling of my cold bathroom floor in my old, Norman apartment. It was grimy, dusty, dirty, and captured perfectly how I felt inside and out. My knees were hugged tightly against my chest, rising, and falling with my shallow breath. Even before giving my life to My Lord, I knew just how far I had fallen before Him. My addiction to watching pornography had haunted me, consumed me, for nearly 12 years of my life. My lustful eyes wanted to capture any man set before me. Waiting for marriage had been catapulted out the window already. There was no amount of scrubbing in the tub I could have done to wash away the stain left on me from years of impurity, lust, and sin. Not even my tears could remotely smear away the murky mess of my life.
My 5 year old daughter was determined to master the monkey bars. She spent time every day on the playground trying to accomplish her goal. She would be at the first bar, reach for the second and become paralyzed. She was sure she was going to fall. She would cry for help and say she couldn’t do it, begging for someone to come get her down quickly. She was just sure it wasn’t going to end well. This went on every time we were at the playground. Her fear kept her from doing something I knew she could do.
In my mind, I was hovering over my grave site, watching my three preschoolers and my grieving husband view my casket lowering into the ground. Fear and hopelessness overwhelmed me! But…that was 30 years ago. My death never actually happened. I can assure you though that my devastating diagnosis brought a voice of fear and death as strong in my head as was the gravesite image that came to my mind.
Every year I make myself a wall calendar. I have tried to use the calendar on my phone, I really have. It is not for me. As a visual/tactile learner, I need to see myself write things down or I will not keep them in my brain. So, every year in November, I begin gathering all the photos we have taken throughout the year and make myself a calendar. I make one for my mother-in-law, my grandfather-in-law, and, together, my sister and I make one that we give to my mother and my grandmother. These calendars basically serve as a journal of our lives. Appointments, parties, concerts, soccer games, etc. It’s all there.
Forgiveness is hard. Without the Holy Spirit’s help, for me it was impossible. I learned how hard it was after my son ended his life as a result of false accusations made against him. I felt justified in hating the person that had done this and wore my ‘Grieving Mom’ badge for a very long time. It got bigger and heavier every day, but I felt like it was my “right” to continue to wear it.
Throughout my life, many people with a passion for God have influenced me--my parents and grandparents especially. However, my first youth pastor also left an indelible mark on my life. My memory of him consists of a face always radiating joy and a life filled with a fiery, intense devotion for the Lord. Truly, his kind, jubilant spirit provoked a jealousy in me. I wanted what he had. His fervor created in me a desire to know and experience God in the same way. Thus, it was his testimony of a simple prayer that he prayed one night that inspired a simple prayer of my own--a prayer that I have prayed over and over and believe has made all the difference in my life.
I love the story I heard of Farmer Herman and the Flooding Barn. Herman had a barn that flooded terribly every time it rained. After many failed solutions, he decided the only way to save his barn was to physically move it. So his community showed up and 344 people literally lifted the barn up by metal supports and moved it up a hill so that his livestock would have dry shelter and food. What a beautiful picture of community - everyone banning together to do a small thing in order to perform something that alone seemed impossible.
